I'm at the stage in this journey where I have come so very far, I have just a little way to go, but I don't feel like I am any near the end. To be honest, ignoring the obvious being able to exercise I don't feel any different. In my mind I'm still wigglyjigglyfatty.
This was very evident the past two days when I tried on some clothes. I had gone to a thrift store in search of junk to re-purpose (we have a girls craft day where we get together and craft it up and drink), and saw two tops I really liked. One was a large and one was medium. I grabbed them and tried them on and they were both too big. The large was gaping especially around the bust and arms. The medium was so unflattering the way it hung off me. I shrugged it off thinking they must have been stretched out, I mean how can I not be a large?
Today while buying some new gym socks I saw a top on special, I thought I'd grab the medium thinking oh a possible goal top. It was too big. I stared in the mirror, and turned around many times, trying to see what was wrong. I decided to try the small and it fit. I should feel ecstatic right? Nope. I felt.... afraid and awkward. Suddenly I couldn't tell if the top looked ok, I mean it fit and I couldn't see the muffin top or rolls. But I couldn't buy it because... it was a SMALL and that - just - isn't - right.
Did you buy the top? Stop focusing on the damn sizes and buy what fits well and looks good. Go back and get it. Visualize the small on the tag and own that shit.
ReplyDeleteYour brain is going to catch up, but it'll take coaxing. Cripes, even when I was fit I hit a stage where I started thinking I was fat again. It was more responsibility being healthy and living in the world, and that's what scared me. I didn't have the "fat crutch" to lean on. I didn't have layers of protection blocking me from attention that I didn't want.
Ug. Why do our brains have to be so difficult? Why do we hold ourselves back from joyfully wearing the small tops?
So many questions...
No I didn't buy it because I can't work out if it looks good now, which is stupid I know. But its like my brain is saying its not possible that I could look good in it. So I'm going to have to drag my sister clothes shopping with me I think and get an honest opinion.
DeleteRepeat after me, "I am small. I am small. I am small." continue until you believe it! You are small now chica
ReplyDeleteWoman.. you are beautiful and you are an inspiration! Keep it up! :)
ReplyDelete