My name is Jitterfish, and I'm a sweet-a-holic

Its so obvious really, but to be honest I've only just realised I truly am an addict when it comes to sugary treats. I cannot have just one, and if I know they are there I cannot control myself.  I always joked about being an addict, but its with a big ol "duh" and a little bit of liberation that I realised that I am an addict.

Now just how to deal with it.  For one not having it in the house. I now know that even when I get to goal this is going to have to be the norm, if I have the junk I'll eat the junk.  Lucky for me I'm not to fussed for crisps, I've very much a sweet tooth. It means the kids have to have very boring cookies that I don't really like, not a bad thing I guess. This will get more challenging as they get older though!

Guess I'm lucky I don't like alcohol as well, bright side right?

A mixed victory

Fridays are my hardest day of the week, its the day I'm always off plan and eat crap.  Today was no different.  It started with a cookie eaten quickly with guilt, and of course not actually enjoyed so why why why did I do it?  Then I felt good about myself when at music I only had a cup of tea and didn't partake in the choccie bikkies on offer.  Lunch was good and then the danger zone, Friday afternoon.  I eyed up the kids cookies and told myself no, and then my eyes spied chocolate buttons.  There was a moment of "aw shit" LOL. My sister had come over on Wed and made cakes with the kids and I thought she had used all the chocolate up or taken it home.  I lasted about two hours before a crinkle could be heard from the pantry as I opened the packet and ate some buttons, then some peanut butter.  Because nom nom choccie and pb!

Then as I contemplated "should I eat them all at once to get rid of them" (y'all know that idea, eat it so its not in the house!) it occurred to me that if I didn't want them in the house to avoid temptation then it was so frickin simple, get rid of them.  I poured them in to the sink, ran the hot water and watched (with almost tears) the chocolate melt away.

So I feel a little proud and a little disappointed.  I wish I had the will power to have chocolate in the house, chocolate buttons are great mini-treats for the kids.  But I just have no control.

Found the map again, we're back on track

I've decided to keep up the weight loss :)  I thought about it and figured yanno my hormones have been messed up for 4+ years now, what is another couple of months? In all honesty I think I was just looking for an excuse to stop, and an excuse to eat cake and crap!

As you ladies know it can be such a tiresome commitment. Sometimes weight loss becomes all consuming, and last week it was like that.  Partly I think because I had my period which is a horrid time for me, and all I wanted to do was feel sorry for myself and eat as much crap as I could get my hands on. I hate those days when it seems like you can't stop thinking about food, eating a meal and all ready you're thinking about when you can next eat and what you're gonna have and are there any cookies in the house.

I'm trying to decide if I'm going to go to the gym soon or not.  I had planned on getting in a cardio session today even though I've already been swimming this morning.  But I'm going out to dinner tonight FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 3.5YEARS WITHOUT KIDS.  Yeh, first time in that long, amazing right?! My sister is baby-sitting and Neil and I are going out for Turkish.  Then next weekend we're going out again because its out 16yr anniversary and Debbie (who looks after my kids during the day) is going to look after them for us.  So exciting.  Err... I digressed... yeh so to gym or not?  My muscles are kind of tired from swimming (current pool so its harder than normal swimming) but I'm pretty sure I'll eat more than I should tonight so I'm thinking trade off.

Plus, if I stay home I have to keep marking -LOL-  I've only got about 15 essays to go, amazing really I've churned through them this break, I'm actually going to be done before semester starts back on Monday which means I will have a week before my next big lot of marking arrives which makes a nice change.  My students have on the whole written really well this time around, my overall average is higher than it should be if I care about the curve but I don't - I believe that a student should get the grade they earn.

So time to go tie on my trainers then.  After a quick round of blog catching up that is.

A journey pause?

I might be stopping trying to lose any more weight.  My Dr has suggested I stop trying and let my body just maintain for the next six months or so due to period and messed up hormone issues.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  On the one hand I want to listen to Dr advice.  On the other its just a possibility that the weight loss has messed with my hormones and that giving my body a good break will help it reset.  Part of me wants to take advice purely because I'm actually really sick of trying to lose weight.  But I'm soooo close.  If I could stay on plan I could slog it out and be at goal in two months.  What's another two months right?

Gah.

I was on some hormone pills to try and sort things (really irregular and painful periods) and that didn't help.  And when I lost 10cm around my booty and some around my arms that is an oestrogen storage site so it is all linked.

Its so easy to use this as an excuse and just say ok I'm done.  But what if I can't maintain and I gain?  Honestly I'm scared I'm going to gain all my weight back because while I've made some life style changes I still have no will power around sweets etc.  If there is chocolate in the house it is in my mouth!  So if I haven't made permanent sticking changes what will happen?

A loss

I lost 1.5kg (3.3lb) of fat these past three weeks.  I almost said "only", but then remembered this pic.  1lb of fat, ewwww-ick.

I realised that I had been eating too much rice, I was suppose to be having 80g COOKED as a serve, but I was doing 80g RAW.  ooooops.  It equated to around 2-3x the amount, and given that I was eating that twice a day um yeah.  oopppps -LOL-

Jake was ok about the loss, but we had expected 2.1kg so there was a slight look of disappointed parent about him.  I will have that as the loss for the next weigh in.  In fact I'm hoping for more, I'm aiming for 3kg to make up for the not quite hitting goal last time.

Within 10kg to goal, man I've been so close for so long. If feels like forever. But I'll get there.  And super exciting Neil and I celebrate our 16 year anniversary in three weeks and at that time I'll weigh the same as what I weighed when I met him.  Booyah!

Back to essays.  Argghhhh.  The next six weeks are going to be a nightmare of grading.  And I will not use food as a comforter/mindless eating/distraction.  I've made a schedule to ensure I get exercise in and I even have house cleaning on there are distraction LOL.

Procrastination station

I should be reading essays but I can't face another one.  The topic is fun, resurrecting the woolly mammoth, could we do it and if we did what would the impact be.  But I just read a dreadful one so I need a break.  I am resisting the urge to snack, dammit I hate this time of year!  I have six week ahead of me of marking.  Essays will take me about three weeks and then right about the time I finish then the next round comes in (reports this time), plus I have my weekly marking that never ends.

I had a stressful day, that combined with the marking really makes me want chocolate.  I'm fighting every day at the moment to stay on plan, sometimes I win, sometimes I don't.  I see Jake on Friday and I'm a little nervous.  I'm not weighing myself so I don't know if I've lost, I fear the reprisal if I haven't -LOL-

Ok, back to the next one...

All the small things

This morning I ran in to an old friend, I've not seen her in around 5 or 6 years or about my peak fat period.  She didn't recognise me!  She was so blown away she couldn't stop saying how good I looked, what an inspiration etc etc.  Yep, pretty damn stoked with that reaction!

My weight doesn't seem to have dropped, I'm trying not to obsess on that.  Pretty sure TOM is about to show (I'm not exactly regular alas), and I've been mostly good.  There have been a couple of cookies though that made it past my will power barrier.  But I did stand up to chocolate cake and candy on Monday which made me feel pretty awesome.

I have to go buy new underwear, size small.  Say whaaaaat!  Yep, I bought medium just a couple weeks ago, bought a few pairs, and now they are slowly slipping down, yanno that feeling!  Not too bad if I'm wearing pants, but I wear a lot of skirts for work so really not comfy.  And when exercising really bad.

Arms are tired today from working my guns on the rower.  Inspired by watching Olympic re-runs.

Because Mrs Munch asked for it

The first is me around my heaviest (~130kg), Christmas 2006.  The second is me last week, around 80kg.  The dress is actually a little too big now, I have more of a waist (wtf I have a waist!!).

Whoop whoop!

Saw Jake today and I'm a happy Jitterfish today.  In the month I lost 5.4kg of fat (12lb) and put on 1.4kg of muscle (3lb).  So I'm now in the healthy fat range, I'm normal yay.  In addition to weight measurements Jake tells body measurements, body circumferences and key fat storage areas.  Most impressively I lost 10cm (4 inches) around my butt, and my hip fat halved (23mm down to 11mm). 

After my totally off plan weekend (which I told him about) I am so happy.  And he was happy, he said I had exceeded his expectations which made me feel pretty awesome.  But there is danger, in my head I keep thinking "well I did this well even though I ate badly, so I can eat badly and get away with it..."  Ah, sneaky devil get off my shoulder.  I've got two social engagements this weekend, one an adults party with alcohol and the other a kids party with lots of kids party food.  So I will need restraint.  I'm not a drinker, I drink a couple times a year but I said I was going to drink to celebrate a friend returning to the USA. 

And so that's me.

So far off plan I'm pretty sure I'm on another continent!

Today was one of those days.  We had what we call our craft day, I get together with some friends and we make crafts and eat too much and drink.  Today I didn't drink, but I certainly ate too much.  Because one of the crafts I always do is try out a new recipe, something that I've been wanting to try but know I can't have in the house or I will eat it all.  I made cookies n' cream slice (because I also make a cookies n' cream fudge and I wanted to trial a slice to see if I can use it as a base and make a nom nom desert).  Which I didn't eat too much of, but C made fresh bread from scratch and I am a sucker for fresh bread.  Plus we had BK for lunch, I've not eaten it in probably six months and suddenly I really wanted it so instead of opting for something healthy yep I had a double cheese burger.

But crafty wise I did good, I will post pics when its all finished but its in multi stages.  I'm making a sign for Oakley's bedroom, and putting together a gift hamper for my oldest friend. The hamper is going to be a birthday survival kit :)  I never use to in to craft, but our craft days are awesome.  And I have become a pinner I admit, I frickin' love pinterest!

So while I'm not beating myself up over it too much, I am a little gah about it because I see Jake (nutritionist) on Wednesday and I wanted to be able to say I had stayed on plan and been really good.  I was suppose to see him yesterday but he had eye surgery so had to cancel.  Ah well, life is life right?  And its not like it will do major damage, I'm not going to suddenly put on 10kg or something!