There is no such thing as failure, only feedback

So title is one of my favourite sayings.  And I'm really there right now.  I have learned and realised a lot the last few days.

• My taste in food has changed

I was given chocolate today and like an addict I scarfed it down - I hadn't had lunch due to hectic day so when J came in to my class this afternoon with chocolate temptation took hold.  In the lab you're not allowed to eat so I was being naughty twice over!  After class I ate some more while I was marking and as I crammed some chocolate in to my mouth I suddenly realised that chocolate while tasting good doesn't taste fantastic.  It use to be flavour orgasm in my mouth.  I then wrapped up the chocolate and brought it home for DH.  While I know I will get cravings again it was like a light went on in that moment and I suddenly realised just how many foods I had eaten lately that I had thought yanno this is ok/good instead of ohhhhhh more more more.

• I miss and need exercise

Waiting until end of semester to exercise sucks - its not an excuse to get out of exercise like I began to wonder.  I am just so busy and by the end of day way too exhausted.  Normally I'd go this morning but my to do list is growing instead of shrinking so I had to make the hard choice and do work (because normally I go when I should be working technically, got to love my job!).  And I miss it, I want to go.  I can't wait until end of semester (two weeks!).

• I'm no longer just a fatty

I can join in conversations about exercise etc without feeling awkward.  We were talking about the gym yesterday, before I would have just been silent but I was like oh you mean the seated row and then even joked that I was proud that I knew what it was.  My friend who is training for a marathon and running around 20km 6x a week at the moment was talking about her run, I laughed and said I was proud I could run 1km and yanno what?  I AM proud.  Before I would never admit that I couldn't run that far, but now I'm like bring it, think what you want say what you want - yeh I'm fat but I'm not just a fatty anymore I'm getting in to shape.

So there we have it, I'm in limbo for another couple weeks, I will probably gain because I have social engagements both weekends including alcohol drinking (I'm going to get drunk for the first time in 4 years!).  But its not going to be a derailment, its conscious.  I will endeavour to make wise choices and I will accept a gain but will not resign myself to it.  If it goes on, it sure as hell is coming back off!

Lying to myself

I ate total crap tonight, and I found myself writing this post about how it wasn't that bad blah blah.  I'm zen and its ok because I'm in maintenance and I'm not losing or gain blah blah. Then I realised I was so making excuses.

To be honest I'm pretty fucking pissed at myself.  Why did I eat food that I don't even like that much or enjoy and OVER EAT on it.  And end up feeling crappy.  And mad.  Fucking hell get it together.

Someone needs to kick me in the ass, I'm not bendy enough.  Another goal to add?  Being able to kick my own ass?  -LOL-

Where does our time go?

This semester is just insane.  It is revving up to end of semester, less than a month and it is over!

I've got a friends birthday party in two weeks, I'm going dressed as a Gaisha (well that is current plan), I'm super excited about it and will take pics to post.  I've never wanted to take photos before but I find myself not hating the camera so much now.  Today at the gym I took a serious look at myself (we don't own a full length mirror, just mirror over bathroom sink!) and was like wow ok I really have lost weight.  Sure there is heaps to go, but I am over the half way mark.  I'm almost 100lb lighter so of course it shows, but you know I am only really now just seeing how it shows.  Luckily no one was in the gym because I was fully checking myself out -LOL-

I need to pee, so I'll call this done.

Maintaining v2.0

So semester is back, so I'm on maintenance mode again.  Sucks because I know I should be able to lose weight just by watching what I eat but I love food and reducing my cal intake just doesn't seem to work.  I'm eating healthy though so all good.

I've had two comments in two days about how good I'm looking so booyah!  Clothes are fitting better even if the scale isn't budging.

I have a school reunion in about 6 weeks, would be nice to lose a buttload of weight before then but really I'm just stoked to be where I am.  I'm not about to starve or go silly, because I know that doesn't work for me and I'll put it back.

Slow and steady wins the race, and stays alive.